Private, Not Secret

This post was supposed to be up a few weeks ago, but I had surgery on August 14th and recovery has been a lot more exhausting than I anticipated. Better late than never!

I just want to share a bit about what private vows are, because in my experience the only vows most people are aware of are marriage vows and vows for religious brothers and sisters.

I made my private vows to poverty, chastity, and obedience on Divine Mercy Sunday this year. It was a beautiful experience and it was a big milestone in my faith journey. I invited friends, my spiritual director traveled from out of state to be there, and my pastor was even able to attend.

I got a question multiple times in the weeks leading up to the big day that I have gotten a few times since as well:

If your vows are private, why would other people be there?

Ultimately I think this is a question that comes from the language used. When we use the word private, often we mean something more like confidential. That the audience, those who are allowed to see or hear or know about whatever it is, is tightly limited and cannot or will not be expanded. And that is indeed an accurate use of the word. However, that is not always the way it is used in regards to the idea of private vows.

Some who make vows choose to do so alone, emphasizing the intimacy of the moment. After all, the vows are being made directly to God and no witnesses are required in private vows. It’s absolutely a deeply meaningful and beautiful way to make vows.
Others choose to only invite a spiritual director or mentor, someone who has walked with them and supported them, to act as an unofficial witness.

These choices fit more with what people seem to think of when they hear me talk about “private vows” and it makes sense why they think of that.

In my discernment journey I read a lot of information in the Catechism of the Catholic Church and the section on vows in the Code of Canon Law. I wanted to be sure that anything I did was in line with the Church and I wanted to understand what I was considering. Because I received this question multiple times and because I did not want to risk presenting my vows as something other than what they truly are in the eyes of the Church, I included some of this information in the little program/brochure I printed for my guests. I am going to share that here:

Can. 1191 #1 A vow, that is, a deliberate and free promise made to God about a possible and better good, must be fulfilled by reason of the virtue of religion.

Can. 1192 #1 A vow is public if a legitimate superior accepts it in the name of the Church; otherwise it is private.

Anyone who has the capacity to do so freely and deliberately (i.e. not under duress and not accidentally) can make a vow at any time. The vow must be something that is actually possible and that is a better good, but other than that you can make just about any vow you want.

The person making the vow can also specify a time frame. For instance, I made perpetual vows, which means that unless I seek official dispensation I am obligated to fulfill my vows for the rest of my life. In religious life, the first profession is almost always temporary vows that are renewed annually until the person is admitted to perpetual vows or they discern out of the community.
In my opinion, prayerful discernment, prudence, and sound spiritual guidance are extremely important in making vows of any kind. There is no religious order that will permit someone to make vows, even temporary vows, without a period of formation and discernment. My approach to private vows is much the same: I would not recommend making any vow unless the person understands what they are promising, can articulate it, and has at least discussed it with someone who is spiritually mature and knows the person well enough. There’s no set time frame, obviously, but it’s not something I would want to see someone rushing into.

No matter what the vow or who made it or what time frame it is given, it is always canonically defined as private unless officially received by a legitimate superior (generally only the superior of the community in which vows are being made or one’s local bishop are capable of accepting vows) in the name of the Church. There isn’t much of a framework for bishops receiving individuals’ vows unless it is within the context of a “recognized” secular (as in not associated with a religious order) Vocation.

So, my vows are private.

They are not, however, secret or confidential.

Many people who make private vows similar to mine choose not to share them, and that’s okay! Some folks are called to live their vows in a very hidden way. I am not. One thing that I have heard loud and clear in prayer is that I am being called to be visible. As someone with severe social anxiety, that was something I pushed back on a lot at first. I kept saying “Lord, I am not the one You want for that.” And, much to my dismay, His response was always “Oh no, you are exactly who I want.” (This is definitely a topic I’ll be sharing more about in the future, because absolutely nothing about my Vocation is what I expected or what I thought was right for me!)

Okay, but even if my vows aren’t confidential, why make a big deal about it? It’s not like I’m entering religious life or getting married or something. If anyone can make these vows at any time with no input from anyone else, why does it matter that I did?

These quotes from what I wrote for my guests sum it up:
“I chose to invite people to witness this moment because I want to share the joy of giving myself to Jesus in this unique and powerful way. All those invited have walked with me, prayed with and for me, rejoiced with me, mourned with me, loved me, and helped me to be open to God’s particular purpose in my life.”

“Often this Vocation is more of a hidden one. Although I don’t intend to necessarily shout it from the rooftops, I do want to be a witness to this as a true call that one may experience. As with every Vocation, this is a gift from God and intended to build up the Church.”

And finally
“Although the analogy of marriage is not perfect, this is for all intents and purposes my wedding day. I am promising my life, my future, my whole self to the One who gave Himself to rescue me from sin and death.”

In the years I spent preparing, I found myself more and more drawn to the same spousal imagery that many nuns, sisters, and consecrated virgins speak about. It makes sense, my first steps towards this Vocation were in exploring a potential call to religious life. And it’s beautiful. As someone who experiences almost exclusively same-sex attraction I have joked occasionally that Jesus is the only man I would ever want to marry. And He took that seriously, I guess. He pursued me, and ultimately I could not refuse Him. At least not without losing the incredible joy and peace I feel when I am safe in His arms. He drew me in, held me, comforted me, delighted in me, and loved me. And all of that He did after He already saved my soul through His death and resurrection.

I continue to be amazed by how God has worked in my life, how He has brought me to this point despite all of my failures, all of my sins, all of the times I fought against His will.

Just to be so, so clear: I still fail. I still sin. Often, in fact. My vows don’t make me any holier, they are my promise that I am trying and that I trust that He will give me the grace to grow in holiness so that when my life on earth ends I can be with Him for the rest of eternity. My vows don’t mean I have everything figured out or that I am anywhere near perfect. They simply mean that I am committed to running (or walking, or stumbling weakly depending on the day) towards my Beloved. I am His and, in some wild and incomprehensible way, He is mine.

As with anything I share here, I am happy to try to answer questions about this. You can comment, send me an email, or find me over on Instagram!

NOTE: Moving forward, I am hoping to stick to a schedule of posting twice a month on the 2nd and 4th Sundays. Between my reflections, you might catch me posting on the official Broader Love Instagram. Updates on planned content will be shared in both locations!